I'm in the ship's workout room riding a stationary bike and watching a relationship drama unfold. A couple, probably in their early to mid-70s, is preparing for a treadmill workout. They select treadmills located side by side; both are wearing iPod head sets so presumably they are screening out each other. He fusses with one treadmill and then another until he settles on the perfect one. She eyes him suspiciously.
They begin their treadmill walk, both plugged into their headsets. Within a few minutes, she glares at him and tells him to stop talking. He glares back and says he isn't talking. Apparently, they can hear each other with the head sets on. They continue walking.
A few more minutes pass. This time she thwacks his arm and growls something at him. He responds "I'm not singing." They both pause for a few seconds, eyes locked in anger, then resume their walking.
Their mini-relationship drama has captured my attention. I take note that there are at least ten available treadmills; it is not necessary that they position themselves next to each other. Though of course, they believe it is necessary.
As a therapist, I could generate several interpretations regarding the dynamic this couple is playing out. But I'm not interested in doing that. Instead I'm thinking about a solution to their problem and a common problem most traveling couples have. I know that if I gently tapped each of them on the shoulder and shared my thoughts, they would likely glare at me. So I keep my wisdom to myself, and they continue their less-than healthy relationship cycle.
Ready for a little "This is what I've Been Learning and Living"?
When couples travel long term (long as personally defined) they absolutely need to heed this first rule:
1. Don't spend every moment together! Absolutely engage in some activities separately and with other people. The gym is the perfect place to take such a break. If this couple had selected workout machines in different parts of the gym, thus putting a little needed distance between them, their gym visit and perhaps the overall trip might have gone better. For heaven's sake, take breaks!
Rule #2 is equally important but tricky for many people to carry out. It is also quite necessary to master if you want Rule #1 to work.
2. Speak up for what you want and need, including some time to yourself. It is not rude or mean to say, "I need some time to myself" or some kind version of that. If you need time alone, tell your partner/spouse/person. I suspect many people worry about offending the other person -- but really, it is kinder to request time alone than to let your frustrations build up to the point you can't stand the other person's singing or talking. Or just can't stand the other person and end up thwacking him in the gym.
In some ways people are a mystery, mostly to themselves. People are also funny, messy, and inconsistent beings and it can be woefully easy for us to lose perspective on what we are experiencing, even when it is the good stuff. With that said, if rules #1 and #2 seem unattainable, I have another suggestion.
3. Have an internal conversation with yourself (that's right, talk to yourself) and remind yourself that you are on a fabulous trip and that your partner/spouse/person has many good qualities. If you can, go as far listing his/her qualities.
I believe the couple in the ship's gym forgot that they are on a beautiful ship, had already stopped at several Hawaiian islands, Tahiti, and Bora Bora, and were on their way to New Zealand, and then Australia. They have forgotten that they are lucky -- lucky because they can still walk on the treadmill, lucky they can travel, lucky they are alive. In other words, they both needed to remember the good and appreciate what they have.
But humans are so flawed! R and I have been traveling in various ways for seven months. At times, I certainly forget my own rules. Watching the mini-relationship drama was a good reminder that I am lucky.
As for the bed count, for a few days we are holding firm at 58 beds but more to come
because we are almost to Australia and then New Zealand. We are very lucky.
No comments:
Post a Comment